the man i never met

life is too short...sometimes there isn't a tomorrow...and we can never take back what we have done or didn't do...when we hesitate, we take the chance of missing out.

History:

My biological father, and mother split when I was around 2. For unknown reasons he decided NOT to be apart of my life. Growing up I knew very little about him, and where he was. I did know that I had 2 half brothers that were a couple of years older than I am. In fact my mother had a picture of them, and I kept it in a photo album all of these years. I wondered all that time if I would ever know them, if they were anything like me, and if they wanted to know me.

On my 16th birthday I received a card from my bio father. It had 2 pictures in it...one of him on a naval ship, and the other of him on a boat fishing. (both of which I still have in an album). It was his first attempt to reach out...BUT me being 16 and angry, I ignored him. Wanting to punish him for leaving and never caring about my well being. Why give him the satisfaction.

He died around my 23rd birthday....because of my immaturity and my hate for him I never was able to look past how I felt, and have any sort of relationship with him. Answers to questions I had, and memories (good or bad) that we could of had are lost forever. On that day I knew...I could never take back what I DIDN'T do. 

After his death I found out that I had 4 siblings, 2 older and 2 younger. I finally found the oldest, and made contact only to find out none of them had any idea who I was. It was a lot to digest....and I didn't talk to him for a few years. 

Through facebook I decided to try again, and i actually met one of the four...it was wonderful. I enjoyed hearing about his life, and the Bryan history. But you still leave with a sense of not knowing exactly where you stand.

One of my brothers has been in ICU since Sunday. Without going into detail, it was a touch and go situation...that seems to be getting itself under control. This has brought up the feelings again of wanting to be closer to the family that I don't know. Part of me wants to be there with all of them, and part of me feels like I would be intruding. So I have been praying hard, and getting updates.

I know when he gets better, and gets home I need to get down there and meet him and know about his life. I don't want to miss out.

Moral of the blog?

Don't hesitate...there isn't a guarantee in life...tomorrow may not come.  Do today what you keep putting off for tomorrow, even if it is the hardest thing you may ever do.

If you read this...comment below and leave the TOP 5 things on YOUR bucket list!

 

{{Control Freak}}

If you don't have that nagging feeling of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING...you will not understand. You don't understand how hard it is to not "just let it go". We don't just let it go, we fix it to where we believe it should be. We go OVER and OVER in our minds how we can change what ever has happened, is happening, or will happen. We KNOW that there IS a way to fix what is wrong in the world, and if we have the slightest doubt we can't....we PANIC.

I lay awake at night with thoughts running through my head like a freight train. What If's, If Only's, and I will's. My thought process is this, we learn from our past...if we don't figure out a way to prevent or fix what ever has happened, then history will repeat itself.

I am not completely insane, I know that there are uncontrollable situations..but they are few.

~souls exiting my life; death or lack of interest

~time

~my passion for controlling everything

Everything else...I can control, and if I can't I will figure out away until I die to control it.

We all want to believe that we are superman, especially if you are a woman. It is the mother's job right? To kiss and fix your boo boo's, and make the world right again..giving you a sense of security. Embedded in our brains that this is our constant job...no sick days, no vacation, just a constant state of what next?? When we sleep, we sleep with our capes on. 

When all is right with our world, then I will be at peace.

just $5

OK people. Here is your chance to help someone in need. I have a family member (long story short, my half-sister) that has lost EVERYTHING in the recent flooding in TN. I know that eventually they will get relief from the red cross, or different charities, but I thought it would be nice to help with the extras. I have already received some gift cards/money, and will make my own contributions. Please help me out! I am not sending the contributions until next week....so save your pennies and come up with $5! Think about if it were your family, or you. You can send the donations to me:

Stephanie Smith

282 S Oman Rd.

Castle Rock, CO. 80104

or send me a message at shortygirl77777@yahoo.com

thanks in advance  

“The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.” ~ Albert Einstein 

 

without you~letter to a deadbeat

There are days when I hate you for abandoning the kids. Days when I think life would be easier if you were just a normal dad...paid ANY child support...visited your kids...showed them some sort of support. I see the hurt in their eyes that you have caused, but I blame myself for ever letting it happen. On the other hand, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have them.

Then there are days like today, when I see my son accomplish something that my family and I have supported him and pushed him to succeed that makes it ALL worth it. You are the one that is missing out, not them. They have more love than you ever could have given them. 

We are making it without you...but you already knew we would.

"When they succeed, I succeed...that's my purpose in life" ~Me

The ones forgotten

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day~ A day to thank all of the spouses that fight the wars here at home with their kids and everyday life. There are many days that they don't know if they can make it through...but their strength always prevails. Just like every day I am grateful for you, it is because of you that our military personnel have the strength to do their jobs with peace of mind that you are doing yours on the homefront.

 My best friend is a Military Wife. ( A GREAT MILITARY WIFE ) She always supports him, and does what she needs to do at home with full force and no hesitation. She is amazing. 

I wanted to take the time to THANK all of the military families for what they have to endure in order for their loved one to fight for my family's safety and freedom. I know that you have heard me say it before, but I don't think that I say it enough. SO thank your military families and appreciate the fact that YOUR husband is sitting at the dinner table even though he pissed you off earlier...he is safe and you aren't going to be up all night worrying. 

"Some people wonder how I do it,
Why I wait for this man.
Because Im proud of what he does,
I love him because I can.

This "Toughest Job" they speak of,
I volunteerd for it.
I promised I would support him,
He knows I'll never quit.

Camoflauge from head to toe,
He's my hero through and through.
Standing there so tall and proud,
I love my soldier, it's true.

While he's gone, the days grow long,
The nights are even longer.
I try to tell myself everyday,
This distance will make us stronger.

It matters not how far he is,
Nor how long he is gone.
He knows Im waiting with open arms,
Here for him when he comes home.

But for now I patiently wait,
I take it a day at a time.
No matter what I know it's worth it,
Because I can call that soldier Mine."

http://members.lovingyou.com/vbulletin/upload/showthread.php?s=debcf414b2c5649b95d2d978d4e1932f&threadid=230377

 ~I love you both~

zip it

A lot of times I speak first and think of the consequences later. I have had several failed relationships due to this supposedly bad habit. As I get older and realize I love the man I am with, my open mouth think last policy needs to change. 

Here is the situation....which I probably shouldn't talk about, but I need advice. My last relationship turned into a complete disaster due to a number of reasons...but the biggest was trying and failing miserably to blend our family.  Now here I am again in the same BUT different situation. I have YET to meet my fiances 2 children. If you know CM you know that he is very shy, and not one to express feelings easily even with his closest friends and family. I believe that he tries his hardest to not cause any conflicts (especially with the ex) WHICH I can understand because she is his only link to his kids. His oldest has been a little distant since finding out that we are engaged. CM just found out that the EX thinks it best for the oldest that I do not come with him this summer to visit the kids. =( I am heartbroken. I don't take it personally...i know that she is a child and i understand that there is a lot of confusion and it doesn't help that CM doesn't talk about his feelings. 

I know that I should just stay out of it and let CM handle the situation, and I will. But I want so bad to tell him HOW to handle it and I want to send his daughter a letter letting her know who I am and that I would love to get a chance to just meet her...and that I promise that I will not take up any time that should be spent with her and her dad. I learned that lesson with the last relationship...when he INSISTED I be there all of the time. It is very important to me that I DO NOT get in between their relationship. So how do you build a relationship with his flesh and blood without over stepping your boundaries?? And what are your boundaries?? It will be really hard to get married BEFORE I have met his kids.

I love CM very much, and I want to be in HIS life. But I guess this is just one thing I have to view from outside. 

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination" ~ Jimmy Dean

HE loves EVERYONE

I have recently been obsessed with the issue concerning a father who lost his son fighting in Iraq, burying him...mourning his loss while having the disgusting WBC picketing about homosexuals and the fact that "GOD loves dead soldiers" Not only did his father have to endure this horrible picketing, but now he is ordered to pay the WBC's legal fees that were incurred during a civil suit where the father of the soldier sued WBC for 5 million dollars AND won, only to be overturned by the Fourth Court of Appeals. 

Bill O'Reilly has offered to pay the legal cost..which is a very nice gesture, my only problem??? THIS IS A SOLDIER WHO DIED FOR OUR COUNTRY!!!! The country whom is now turning their (the courts) backs on his family! This shouldn't even be an issue! He shouldn't have to pay these horrible PEOPLE!

Yes we live in America, Yes we have a right to freedom of speech...but at a funeral?? come on! The law tells me to wear my seat belt, tells me that i have to have health insurance, tells me that i have to pay taxes but they can't tell these people that they can't picket a funeral??? Especially the funeral of the very people who are protecting these Idiots rights?? 

We buried my cousin last June (almost a year now). While he didn't die in Iraq, he did serve 2 tours there. We were fortunate to only have very positive support, making what was one of the most horrible days of my life, one of the most beautiful days of my life. There is a group "The Patriot Guard" who met us at the airport when they brought Matt home, and were there when we buried him. Men on "iron horses" letting the American Flag flow behind them showing their pride. They stood tall outside the church were the services were held and the burial ground.  They hugged my Aunt as she mourned and went down the line to thank each and everyone of them, in disbelief that they were there to protect her. I only wish that the father of this fallen soldier would have had the same experience.

While I may not agree with all of the decisions that our Government makes, I love America, and I love the Men and Women AND their family that fight everyday to protect me and my family.

John 15:13 (New International Version)

¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.