A lot of times I speak first and think of the consequences later. I have had several failed relationships due to this supposedly bad habit. As I get older and realize I love the man I am with, my open mouth think last policy needs to change.
Here is the situation....which I probably shouldn't talk about, but I need advice. My last relationship turned into a complete disaster due to a number of reasons...but the biggest was trying and failing miserably to blend our family. Now here I am again in the same BUT different situation. I have YET to meet my fiances 2 children. If you know CM you know that he is very shy, and not one to express feelings easily even with his closest friends and family. I believe that he tries his hardest to not cause any conflicts (especially with the ex) WHICH I can understand because she is his only link to his kids. His oldest has been a little distant since finding out that we are engaged. CM just found out that the EX thinks it best for the oldest that I do not come with him this summer to visit the kids. =( I am heartbroken. I don't take it personally...i know that she is a child and i understand that there is a lot of confusion and it doesn't help that CM doesn't talk about his feelings.
I know that I should just stay out of it and let CM handle the situation, and I will. But I want so bad to tell him HOW to handle it and I want to send his daughter a letter letting her know who I am and that I would love to get a chance to just meet her...and that I promise that I will not take up any time that should be spent with her and her dad. I learned that lesson with the last relationship...when he INSISTED I be there all of the time. It is very important to me that I DO NOT get in between their relationship. So how do you build a relationship with his flesh and blood without over stepping your boundaries?? And what are your boundaries?? It will be really hard to get married BEFORE I have met his kids.
I love CM very much, and I want to be in HIS life. But I guess this is just one thing I have to view from outside.
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination" ~ Jimmy Dean
7 comments:
My thought is this...
it's important for you to meet his kids, and it's important that he tells J that you ARE in his life and will be permanently--you're not going anywhere. It's important that she know that. And although she may not like the situation, it is better that she meet you rather than not know who her children's father and eventually the children are associating/staying with.
Try to put it in a light that makes her think, "OH, I have the upper hand, I'm allowing her to meet MY kids on MY terms." Or even, meet her first, separately without the kids. It's been how freakin' long for hells sake? It's time to move on... He deserves a relationship with them, and you deserve the same. The kids will be lucky to know you... once they're allowed the opportunity.
At the end of the day, the kids reactions and attitude is only a product of what's being said to them.
You'll have to let him take the lead as they are his kids, but make sure he knows your ready for that step when he leads the way. Yes ,easier said than done. We ,as women want to keep our internal space healthy and happy and that means kids being included and shown acceptance and love. The good part is since you have kids you know how to interact and approach them as you would your own.
When you do meet them just keeping their reactions and feeling at the for front will be the most important thing. As long as all parties concerned keep that the main focus you guys will be fine and the kids in turn.
She probably wants to feel like she has some control in a situation that she cant control other than where her kids are concerned.
Anonymous~Dont you think that he should have thought about all of this BEFORE we got engaged? He is apart of MY life completely. I have included him in everything that involves me, including my kids. I just wanted to meet them BEFORE we married. What happens if they do not ever want to meet me? Should we just not marry? Should I just give up? If you put the kids first then where does that leave me? What if my kids came to me today and said that they didn't want CM in their lives anymore? Should I support their decision as children and tell him we can no longer live together? I even suggested that I go just to meet them...and if they show any sign of discomfort I would spend the rest of the time in the hotel while he spent time with them. Is that still wrong? It hurts...a lot.
And just so we are clear. I stand behind Chris no matter what. If it comes down to him not seeing them because of me I would definitely not go. I am simply venting.
Trent thinks it's crap and you should go. =X
I totally agree. Call if you need to vent.
This is a hard situation for anyone to understand that hasn't been there before...and I have.
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