the man i never met

life is too short...sometimes there isn't a tomorrow...and we can never take back what we have done or didn't do...when we hesitate, we take the chance of missing out.

History:

My biological father, and mother split when I was around 2. For unknown reasons he decided NOT to be apart of my life. Growing up I knew very little about him, and where he was. I did know that I had 2 half brothers that were a couple of years older than I am. In fact my mother had a picture of them, and I kept it in a photo album all of these years. I wondered all that time if I would ever know them, if they were anything like me, and if they wanted to know me.

On my 16th birthday I received a card from my bio father. It had 2 pictures in it...one of him on a naval ship, and the other of him on a boat fishing. (both of which I still have in an album). It was his first attempt to reach out...BUT me being 16 and angry, I ignored him. Wanting to punish him for leaving and never caring about my well being. Why give him the satisfaction.

He died around my 23rd birthday....because of my immaturity and my hate for him I never was able to look past how I felt, and have any sort of relationship with him. Answers to questions I had, and memories (good or bad) that we could of had are lost forever. On that day I knew...I could never take back what I DIDN'T do. 

After his death I found out that I had 4 siblings, 2 older and 2 younger. I finally found the oldest, and made contact only to find out none of them had any idea who I was. It was a lot to digest....and I didn't talk to him for a few years. 

Through facebook I decided to try again, and i actually met one of the four...it was wonderful. I enjoyed hearing about his life, and the Bryan history. But you still leave with a sense of not knowing exactly where you stand.

One of my brothers has been in ICU since Sunday. Without going into detail, it was a touch and go situation...that seems to be getting itself under control. This has brought up the feelings again of wanting to be closer to the family that I don't know. Part of me wants to be there with all of them, and part of me feels like I would be intruding. So I have been praying hard, and getting updates.

I know when he gets better, and gets home I need to get down there and meet him and know about his life. I don't want to miss out.

Moral of the blog?

Don't hesitate...there isn't a guarantee in life...tomorrow may not come.  Do today what you keep putting off for tomorrow, even if it is the hardest thing you may ever do.

If you read this...comment below and leave the TOP 5 things on YOUR bucket list!

 

{{Control Freak}}

If you don't have that nagging feeling of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING...you will not understand. You don't understand how hard it is to not "just let it go". We don't just let it go, we fix it to where we believe it should be. We go OVER and OVER in our minds how we can change what ever has happened, is happening, or will happen. We KNOW that there IS a way to fix what is wrong in the world, and if we have the slightest doubt we can't....we PANIC.

I lay awake at night with thoughts running through my head like a freight train. What If's, If Only's, and I will's. My thought process is this, we learn from our past...if we don't figure out a way to prevent or fix what ever has happened, then history will repeat itself.

I am not completely insane, I know that there are uncontrollable situations..but they are few.

~souls exiting my life; death or lack of interest

~time

~my passion for controlling everything

Everything else...I can control, and if I can't I will figure out away until I die to control it.

We all want to believe that we are superman, especially if you are a woman. It is the mother's job right? To kiss and fix your boo boo's, and make the world right again..giving you a sense of security. Embedded in our brains that this is our constant job...no sick days, no vacation, just a constant state of what next?? When we sleep, we sleep with our capes on. 

When all is right with our world, then I will be at peace.

just $5

OK people. Here is your chance to help someone in need. I have a family member (long story short, my half-sister) that has lost EVERYTHING in the recent flooding in TN. I know that eventually they will get relief from the red cross, or different charities, but I thought it would be nice to help with the extras. I have already received some gift cards/money, and will make my own contributions. Please help me out! I am not sending the contributions until next week....so save your pennies and come up with $5! Think about if it were your family, or you. You can send the donations to me:

Stephanie Smith

282 S Oman Rd.

Castle Rock, CO. 80104

or send me a message at shortygirl77777@yahoo.com

thanks in advance  

“The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.” ~ Albert Einstein 

 

without you~letter to a deadbeat

There are days when I hate you for abandoning the kids. Days when I think life would be easier if you were just a normal dad...paid ANY child support...visited your kids...showed them some sort of support. I see the hurt in their eyes that you have caused, but I blame myself for ever letting it happen. On the other hand, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have them.

Then there are days like today, when I see my son accomplish something that my family and I have supported him and pushed him to succeed that makes it ALL worth it. You are the one that is missing out, not them. They have more love than you ever could have given them. 

We are making it without you...but you already knew we would.

"When they succeed, I succeed...that's my purpose in life" ~Me

The ones forgotten

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day~ A day to thank all of the spouses that fight the wars here at home with their kids and everyday life. There are many days that they don't know if they can make it through...but their strength always prevails. Just like every day I am grateful for you, it is because of you that our military personnel have the strength to do their jobs with peace of mind that you are doing yours on the homefront.

 My best friend is a Military Wife. ( A GREAT MILITARY WIFE ) She always supports him, and does what she needs to do at home with full force and no hesitation. She is amazing. 

I wanted to take the time to THANK all of the military families for what they have to endure in order for their loved one to fight for my family's safety and freedom. I know that you have heard me say it before, but I don't think that I say it enough. SO thank your military families and appreciate the fact that YOUR husband is sitting at the dinner table even though he pissed you off earlier...he is safe and you aren't going to be up all night worrying. 

"Some people wonder how I do it,
Why I wait for this man.
Because Im proud of what he does,
I love him because I can.

This "Toughest Job" they speak of,
I volunteerd for it.
I promised I would support him,
He knows I'll never quit.

Camoflauge from head to toe,
He's my hero through and through.
Standing there so tall and proud,
I love my soldier, it's true.

While he's gone, the days grow long,
The nights are even longer.
I try to tell myself everyday,
This distance will make us stronger.

It matters not how far he is,
Nor how long he is gone.
He knows Im waiting with open arms,
Here for him when he comes home.

But for now I patiently wait,
I take it a day at a time.
No matter what I know it's worth it,
Because I can call that soldier Mine."

http://members.lovingyou.com/vbulletin/upload/showthread.php?s=debcf414b2c5649b95d2d978d4e1932f&threadid=230377

 ~I love you both~

zip it

A lot of times I speak first and think of the consequences later. I have had several failed relationships due to this supposedly bad habit. As I get older and realize I love the man I am with, my open mouth think last policy needs to change. 

Here is the situation....which I probably shouldn't talk about, but I need advice. My last relationship turned into a complete disaster due to a number of reasons...but the biggest was trying and failing miserably to blend our family.  Now here I am again in the same BUT different situation. I have YET to meet my fiances 2 children. If you know CM you know that he is very shy, and not one to express feelings easily even with his closest friends and family. I believe that he tries his hardest to not cause any conflicts (especially with the ex) WHICH I can understand because she is his only link to his kids. His oldest has been a little distant since finding out that we are engaged. CM just found out that the EX thinks it best for the oldest that I do not come with him this summer to visit the kids. =( I am heartbroken. I don't take it personally...i know that she is a child and i understand that there is a lot of confusion and it doesn't help that CM doesn't talk about his feelings. 

I know that I should just stay out of it and let CM handle the situation, and I will. But I want so bad to tell him HOW to handle it and I want to send his daughter a letter letting her know who I am and that I would love to get a chance to just meet her...and that I promise that I will not take up any time that should be spent with her and her dad. I learned that lesson with the last relationship...when he INSISTED I be there all of the time. It is very important to me that I DO NOT get in between their relationship. So how do you build a relationship with his flesh and blood without over stepping your boundaries?? And what are your boundaries?? It will be really hard to get married BEFORE I have met his kids.

I love CM very much, and I want to be in HIS life. But I guess this is just one thing I have to view from outside. 

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination" ~ Jimmy Dean

HE loves EVERYONE

I have recently been obsessed with the issue concerning a father who lost his son fighting in Iraq, burying him...mourning his loss while having the disgusting WBC picketing about homosexuals and the fact that "GOD loves dead soldiers" Not only did his father have to endure this horrible picketing, but now he is ordered to pay the WBC's legal fees that were incurred during a civil suit where the father of the soldier sued WBC for 5 million dollars AND won, only to be overturned by the Fourth Court of Appeals. 

Bill O'Reilly has offered to pay the legal cost..which is a very nice gesture, my only problem??? THIS IS A SOLDIER WHO DIED FOR OUR COUNTRY!!!! The country whom is now turning their (the courts) backs on his family! This shouldn't even be an issue! He shouldn't have to pay these horrible PEOPLE!

Yes we live in America, Yes we have a right to freedom of speech...but at a funeral?? come on! The law tells me to wear my seat belt, tells me that i have to have health insurance, tells me that i have to pay taxes but they can't tell these people that they can't picket a funeral??? Especially the funeral of the very people who are protecting these Idiots rights?? 

We buried my cousin last June (almost a year now). While he didn't die in Iraq, he did serve 2 tours there. We were fortunate to only have very positive support, making what was one of the most horrible days of my life, one of the most beautiful days of my life. There is a group "The Patriot Guard" who met us at the airport when they brought Matt home, and were there when we buried him. Men on "iron horses" letting the American Flag flow behind them showing their pride. They stood tall outside the church were the services were held and the burial ground.  They hugged my Aunt as she mourned and went down the line to thank each and everyone of them, in disbelief that they were there to protect her. I only wish that the father of this fallen soldier would have had the same experience.

While I may not agree with all of the decisions that our Government makes, I love America, and I love the Men and Women AND their family that fight everyday to protect me and my family.

John 15:13 (New International Version)

¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

GED

Ok, Ok so for those who DON'T know me I dropped out of HS when I was a junior. I don't like to call it dropping out, I like to call it "testing out" because that is what I did...I got my GED. I didn't wait YEARS and YEARS. In fact (not to boost myself) but I tested fairly high on all subjects. Yes I could have waited and walked with everyone else in cap and gown to get my diploma, but I didn't I chose to hit the workforce getting 2 jobs and working my ass off from the time I was 15 up until the last few years. I had a lead job with 8-10 employees underneath me at a very large insurance company by the time I was 20. 

My point in all this?? I guess the reason no one has called me for a job is because I listed GED on my resume. StUpId me....guess I shouldn't have told the truth. Nevermind the years of experience I have. It isn't like I am applying to be a surgeon, we are talking answering phones here. I can't tell you how many times I think...how in the hell did YOU get this job?? 

Needless to say, in order to play the game I have taken GED off of my resume, and added the 2 years of college that I have. We will see if it works~

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.  ~Harry S. Truman

critic in the mirror

My biggest critic is the woman staring back at me in the mirror. It isn't that other people do not judge or criticize me, it is that the woman in the mirror is the one that matters most. It is her thoughts of me that cut like a knife, and show me the image of what I am. There are days when the one in the mirror gives me praise and positive reassurance...then there are days where she tears me apart with her sharp tongue and vicious comments. It is because of her I assume that others around me see what she sees (both inside and out).  It is because of her that I question every move, and decision I make. {Which could be a good thing} There are days when I wish she would go away, and then there are days when I know she is the only one that gets me. 

I have been working hard these last months to make her see more of the good in me than the bad. With each glance, I feel we are getting there.

The Man In The Glass

Anonymous

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

the past

Most people have skeletons in their closet, something that they did or have been through that they don't talk about. We believe if we block it out, it will be as though it never happened. We don't mention it to people in fear of judgment, basing that judgment on how we feel about ourselves. We believe that we have suppressed these feelings so far that they have no affect on us, it was the past...we are over it. Maybe you NEVER get over it, maybe it is ALWAYS suppose to be there. Perhaps it is a lesson learned, not only for yourself but for the ones around you that were affected by your actions.Some have asked for forgiveness from their Highest Power, and wonder later why they have not felt a complete sense of peace. I believe this is because it is a constant reminder to not repeat what has happened.

The darkness of our past haunts us, not only in our dreams...but as we watch our children grow, we pray...we BEG that they make decisions that they will not later have to suffer through. We protect them in order to not have them see or go through the pain. We ALWAYS want them to be better humans than us. 

Lately I have been trying to soul search, finding the reason for the anger I carry. I first assumed it was the father I never knew, but as I have searched deeper, I am finding it is a multitude of actions that I have created along with the actions of others around me. You have to deal with the the world you have created before you can deal with what others have created for you. (you are in control of your actions at ALL times)

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."
- St. Francis de Sales

TV Land

When we were younger, some of our "family time" consisted of watching T.V. together. You know, after dinner and homework. 7pm started us with shows like, Family Matters, Growing Pains, Step-by-Step, Fresh Prince, Wonder Years (just to name a few) that all ended up with some life lesson. All of which my parents could watch comfortably with us without sexual content (to the extreme it is today). 

Now...the ONLY channel I watch with the boys is Disney, Nick, or the Science channel. AND even then it is "iffy" with all of the impotent commercials. I even have to block out the cartoon channel due to "SWIM" at night. Yes, it is adult content cartoons, if you haven't ever seen it...make sure you know what your kids are watching!!!

It is just sad, and irritating. Irritating that our children are being subjected to more and more content at a younger age. I feel like I am on constant patrol to try and keep their innocence. It isn't easy "me against the world" 

 

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" ~ Sophocles

Healthy Relationships

C.M. asked me this question the other day while we were having a discussion. "Have you EVER been in a healthy relationship? Do you know what one is??" As I give him a blank stare and tears roll down my face, I try and think of what a healthy relationship is.....

The answer??? No. I haven't. I don't even know if I really KNOW anyone that has one. Is healthy the same as perfect? Does healthy mean you don't fight? Does it mean you trust 100%? Being in destructive relationships in the past, it is like having to learn how to ride a bicycle all over again. I think that trust is something you earn, not something that is given to you. Is that an unhealthy response?

So tell me, what is your idea of a "healthy" relationship?? Do you think that you have one?? Do men have a different perspective on what a healthy relationship is than women do?

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."~Mother Theresa

Perfect People

I can be judgemental at times, I try not to be. I force myself to sit back, and realize, that maybe these people were raised a certain way or there was something that happened to them in their life to make them behave the way that they do.

Unfortunately, there is one type of person that I still have a problem with....."Little Miss Perfect", you know, SUPER MOM!! Let me clarify....every PTA meeting, the leader of every school function, drives the Lexus subaru looking vehicle, only talks to the teachers or parents with money, the one with the husband that always has the look of "I wish she would just SHUT UP!", she flirts (possibly even touches) the husbands or fathers that are attractive or have money, drives her kids to and from any extra curricular activities but never coaches, the loud mouth (you can hear her voice OVER the screaming of 20 8 yr olds), the one that you will NEVER see me chatting it up with.

I half way feel sorry for her, the need for constant reassurance from the rest of the world must be hard to cope with. (I would be fully sorry for her, if it didn't irritate me so much). 

I looked up center of attention disorder on Google, and this is what it found:

http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/histrionic.html 

hmmm maybe. 

By no means am I perfect, hell I have social anxiety like you wouldn't believe...which is probably why loud mouth and I would never get a long. =X So instead of approaching and letting the unfiltered words of what I think of her blurt out....I flip her off in my head, and am grateful that I am not as screwed up as her.

"The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?"~Albert Einstein

Unanswered Prayers

Yes, occasionally I pray. Sometimes I pray for the health of others, sometimes for their well-being in general, and sometimes I pray that certain things happen in my life (yea I am aware that is selfish). I have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. I try not to look at situations in my life as regrets, but rather as lessons learned. Later, when I haven't gotten the selfish prayers I asked for, I realize that I am grateful that I didn't. I feel as if I am taking a path through the woods, and we are given short-cuts as to not have to walk further into the darkness...we pass path after path until we can't take anymore of the pain, when we finally turn off of the path and onto the short-cut into the light. Where ONCE again we are given another chance. 

I feel like I am finally on the lighted path relationship wise, as a mother, and soon my career. Never again to be led by the stupid of the world into the darkness.

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."~Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

my 31st b-day, i took my first step into the light

Product of the Week~Jake's toy

IF you know Jake (my 1 y/o boxer) you know that he tears up EVERY toy we bring home. There is ONE product that we have that hasn't been torn to shreds. 

http://www.kongcompany.com/worlds_best.html

These toys are great,  no matter how long he chews and chews the are virtually indestructible! Another great feature is being able to put treats inside of them, keeping your dog entertained. Dogs need a brain stimulation, and putting a treat in the toy to figure out how to get it out gives them just that.

If you have a pet, you will LOVE this product!

Anti-Valentines Day

I can't stand Valentine's Day. The moment they start putting out EVERYTHING red, pink, and white I feel a wave of nausea come over me. Could we get anymore cheesier??? The best thing about Valentine's Day?? The day after when all of their chocolates are on sale. 

I once asked someone what the point of V-Day was, and their reply?? It's the one day a year when your love lavishes you with Romance....WHAT???? wait one minute, there is something wrong with this picture! Romance should be ALL year round! Who really wants a dozen roses because someone told your love that they HAD to do it??? UH NO, I want them because I crossed you mind and you wanted to show you appreciate me. Going out to dinner on V-day is a joke! You have to make reservations in advance, there are millions of people, traffic...tell me which part of all of that is romantic to you?

The boys came home with a list of students in their class, so that they can bring Valentine's cards. I told them to go back and tell their teacher that our religion doesn't celebrate. (yes I thought it was hilarious) They both looked at me like I was absolutely insane, and proceeded to tell me how they will have to go and do work if they are unable to participate. Great, so now I have to go to Wal-Mart and head down that dreadful V-day aisle with everyone else in town to buy some cheap, cheesie cards in order it insure that my boys don't have to do extra work. JOY!!

Remember, you don't have to wait for that one day out of the year. Do something meaningful tonight. Plan, shop, and cook his/her favorite meal. (and clean the kitchen) Bring her/him home something small (but thoughtful) home one day. Grab your love!!! Tell that you love them EVERYDAY!!! Trust me your relationship will thank you for it!!

For all you History Nerds: 

http://www.history.com/content/valentine/history-of-valentine-s-day

"There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best."
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Incentive

Last night a thought came to my mind, what if we gave non custodial parents who pay their child support a tax credit?? Custodial parents get a child tax credit, why not the ones that help support them?? I know there is a small percentage of child support payees that have been allowed to claim the dependents on their tax return every other year, but their are a lot that do not. A lot of people might think that supporting ones children should be incentive enough, but that isn't always the case. And SOME child support payees pay a large amount of child support. This tax credit wouldn't have to be anything HUGE, just enough to feel "appreciated". Maybe, just maybe, this incentive would be enough to make the dead beat parents of the world re-think not paying their child support. Most non custodial parents that I know use their refund money for the children anyway. Good way to STIMULATE the economy...

But HEY what do I know??

"Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child."  ~Gail Sheehy

Alot of Children Left Behind

Haiti story on the news last night about children being adopted and saved. Very heart warming story about a couple of children who have lived without, and now have a bright future. Right after the news reports that in Colorado ALONE there are between 600-800 children in the foster care system. 600-800 CHILDREN!!!! Maybe there needs to be a little bit more focused on these kids....perhaps there need to be more commercials, or some celebrity can adopt one like a puppy and it will be the "NEW" thing to do. Maybe I am a little sensitive to this subject, because CM spent most of his childhood going from foster home to foster home. I hear the stories and see the hardness in his eyes, while his are not as bad as others they are still gut wrenching. Why don't we feel the need to save these children like we do the rest of the world??? I am not saying that we shouldn't adopt out of the United States, and yes I DO realize that it is possibly easier to adopt from another country than it is here. If we can dig up 100 million dollars to send to Haiti, possibly we can find another 100 million for our children here in the States??

The ending quote from a very wise man...and the reason why he won my heart??? (referring to the 600-800 children)

"If we had a huge house, we could take in all of those kids!!" ~Chris Money

Sleepless

I wish I could be one of those people that hit the pillow and are out for the night. Not me, I hit the pillow then toss and turn. Thoughts run through my mind like a freight train. Worries of finances, children, my relationship, if I locked the front door or not, a list of things that need to be done in the next week. I would like just 1 night of 8 straight hours of sleep!!! It is too bad that our bodies were made without an on and off switch. Any one have a magic pillow?

"Insomnia is a gross feeder.  It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking."  ~Clifton Fadiman

New Addiction-Item of the Week

My new addiction?? Eating Right Multigrain with SeaSalt Baked Pita Chips!! They taste soooo yummy I could eat the WHOLE bag! =X Guess that would defeat the purpose of it being healthy for you. You gotta try it! DO IT!

http://www.safeway.com/IFL/Grocery/TopCategoriesDisplay?identifier=EREatingRight

Kids these Days....

I catch myself saying these words, and have to laugh. Kids these days!!! Words that I remember my Parents and Grandparents saying. I would roll my eyes, and think to myself "they have no IDEA how bad I have it!"  yeah right. psh. One thing we did learn that children of the next generation aren't is work ethics. Everything will come easy to them. They do not know what "hard" work is. I didn't grow up where I had hard chores as a child, but I started cleaning and helping take care of my brothers at an early age. There is NO way I would trust my 14 y.o. home alone with the two younger ones for longer than 15 minutes.

Last night I came up with an idea....there should be a camp where we send our kids to a farm. Their daily activities would be getting up at the crack of dawn to tend to all of the farm animals. I would like to see my son get up at 5 am to milk a cow.  Go back to basics, show them how to work for their food and shelter.Maybe they could spend some time on a cattle drive?? no cell phones, no internet, no bed, learn to cook over a fire, and sleep on the ground. I think after a couple of weeks of this my son would not mind unloading the dishes 3 times a week!!

I have to make sure that my sons appreciate what they have. In the last month I have started teaching them how to cook. Showing them that it isn't just where the MOM goes and "POOF!" there is this dinner. It is like giving them a view of what happens behind the curtain. After they are done they feel a sense of accomplishment, and a new found respect for how much work it is. Let's teach our children how to survive.

I leave this blog with one of my favorite quotes:

"Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime."-Author Unknown.

Heartless?? Maybe

Before I begin, I know that there are a lot of people that will not agree with how I feel and what I express in the following blog. Some may perceive me as heartless, or stubborn. BUT they are my thoughts, and it is my right to feel and EXPRESS those thoughts.

When Haiti was hit...it was sad. I felt horrible for all of those people whose lives were taken and for the ones suffering of hunger and no where to sleep or be. I 100% supported our military heading over there immediately to help and aid this country. I support giving money to the Red Cross. So you ask....where in all of this is the heartlessness??

Does our Country REALLY have 100 million dollars to spend?? We are having our own financial crisis!!! More and more people are getting laid off here in the United States, needing government help. Companies are suffering from the downfall of our economy. I am not stupid I realize Haiti is in bad shape and they need the money...but I don't understand WHERE the money is coming from!! Taxpayers pockets?? With the red Cross I can CHOOSE or NOT CHOOSE if I would like to donate to another country or not, but now I don't have that choice do I?

I am not saying that we shouldn't reach out and help as much as we can, I am saying maybe someone needs to look at what we CAN do.